I am 55 years old and I am finding that the things in my life that I can control are limited and getting more restricted as the years go on. I used to control everything with respect to my body, finances, where I lived my life and what I did for work. I had some control with my children and some control in my relationship with my wife. However, this past year has exposed my control issues and how past patterns no longer work for me.
In two weeks I am going to have surgery to replace my right shoulder. My third surgery in a period of 12 months. This is not the first joint replacement performed on my body. Both hips have been replaced in the past. As you can see, I have little control over the joints and other bones and nerves in my body which can be attributed to osteoarthritis. I did have control over letting my weight go over the recommended BMI and I have in the past played sports with violent intent. Now I have limited control over the arthritis that has infected my body and it pisses me off. If I were a victim, I would say woe is me and give up. I would let pain and limited range of motion control my life going forward. But I won't let this disease totally control me. I have lost 55 pounds of fat from my body, I work out as best I can with walking and kettle bells three times per week and I watch my food intake in order to continue losing more fat. I'm not Brad Pitt, but I don't look too bad for 55 - and getting better every day. If I would have waited for surgery in Canada it would have taken almost three years to have this next surgery done. So I am paying for this operation myself down in Arizona (the cost of a mid range vehicle) and getting one step closer to having physical control of my body.
I used to have total control over my finances, however the politicians, bankers and hedge fund gangsters have more control over my finances now, than I do. Increasing taxes, bad mortgage loans and financial instruments of mass destruction utilized by hedge funds and banks globally, have created worldwide uncertainty as to the value of fiat money, the stock market and the crashing of real estate values. If I were a victim, I would say woe is me and give up. But I won't let this situation control my life going forward. So we have eliminated all debt, reduced our cost of living as if we were retired and we are embarking on new chapters in our working lives to maintain a comfortable and fulfilling life . We have decided that we will give back to those in need (Philosopher's Stone Oil & Gas Foundation is getting closer to reality), though we will still have to work for a living. If I was to be fired tomorrow, I would still control how I live my life. Not quite "eff off and die money" - but, enough.
My children are grown up now. I'm so proud of who they've become. They are better than I was at their age and I might admit (if I didn't have all these control issues) that they are better human beings than I am now. So proud.
My wife has not only become my lover, co-parent and friend; she has grown into a confident and powerful woman. More comfortable in her own skin than in the past. Petty control issues no longer get in the way of our communication. A true life partner. One not to be controlled and manipulated, but respected and counselled with. So lucky.
So let's get back to my control issues. I figure I've been doing my best with my health and finances. Reasonably successful to date and on the right path. But, I still needed total control of something in my life. I thought and pondered. I researched and deliberated and have "pulled the trigger" on my quest for total control. I consulted with no one, I made this decision on my own. I based this decision on my experience, knowledge, anecdotal and empirical evidence and I have found a way to exercise total control in a world gone mad.
TOTO "Drake" C744EF.10 with an ST743S tank.
That is my expression of total control at the age of 55. I have researched, procured, directed the installation and utilized the best toilet I have ever personally had control over acquiring. That is what control has come to mean in my life.
I can't control if my wife loves me or not. I can't control if my children are happy or not. I can't control if the company I work for fires me or not. I can't control if my body will continue to degrade due to osteoarthritis or not.
I can control how I live my life, what meaning I give to each event in my life and I damn well will control the throne I sit on.
This will be my last post for awhile. Typing with my left hand will be frustrating. However, I hate being controlled so I just might send out my blog ramblings after my surgery on September 12th. Thank you all for reading and commenting on my thoughts.
